I keep changing my mind about writing such a intimate and sensitive topic on an Internet site that anyone with a computer can access. On one hand, I'm a pretty private person and don't really like people knowing my business. Mainly because I REALLY hate it when people feel sorry for me and I see pity in their eyes. On the other hand, I think it will be cathartic for me to write about all this stuff, it will remind me of what I've been through and how I got to where I am today. Plus, who knows, it might help someone going through a similar situation, to help them feel not quit so alone.
So here we go....
We moved to the Woodlands in August of 2005, who really knows why. My sneaking suspicion is to distract ourselves from what was going on by trying something new. But maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Life went on, I continued working for the same company from home. We continued to keep trying, and again we waited. The following summer (I think, some of the dates at this point are a little foggy) I decided it was time to see a fertility doctor. I learned a big lesson from seeing this doctor, which was - go with your instincts. If you are not comfortable with him/her from the beginning how in the world are you going to be able to ask questions and get the things done you want done if you don't feel like you can talk with them.
As with most fertility doctors, the first visit is a consultation. Jeff and I both went and sat in his office to discuss the reason we decided to seek help. Now what I am about to say might be taken the wrong way. I love my husband with my entire heart, soul and being, but we are very different people. I'm an introvert, he's an extrovert. When we are in situations in which I am not comfortable, he senses this and wants to make we feel better. This usually means he talks more. And this is what happened during this consultation. It was him and the doctor talking, this I did not like. But whose fault was that? Mine just as much as theirs since I didn't step in and open my word hole. The one comment that should have set off alarms for me was when Jeff was explaining how I really didn't want to take hormones, to which he responded "Oh, she'll change her mind about that" (insert wink, wink, nudge, nudge...as if I wasn't even in the f@*#ing room...but I digress). There was also no discussion of a possibility of there being something wrong with Jeff, not that I wanted that. But at this point we had no idea what was wrong, so it could have been him just as much as me....but that wasn't mentioned.
I'm fairly sure my reason for seeing this doctor was not made clear to him, and honestly I'm not really sure I knew myself what I wanted. Hind site is 20/20 right, and now I can look back and see I just wanted a reason why it was taking so long. And I got the impression that the doctor just wanted to give me drugs to try and solve the problem, not look into the reason behind the problem.
He had mentioned a test called hysterosalpingogram, you can click the name for the wiki link if you want to know the gory details. I had to call the doctors office on several occasions to finally get them to set this test up for me. It was not performed in the doctors office, but in a hospital (I think radiology lab). Jeff went with me, but in the end we were told he could not come in to the room where the test was being done. And I'm going to bet the radiologist regretted that decision.
I'm laying there feeling very exposed, when the radiologist made some comment like "so you only have one fallopian tube correct?". This totally took me by surprise and I immediately started crying. At the time I felt very silly, but again looking back I can see it was a normal response to the situation. I had a follow up appointment with the doctor several days later. And as he walked into the room looking at my chart he said "so I see everything was normal." WTF?!?!? I said, no they mentioned something about me only having I fallopian tube, at which point he took a closer look at my chart and said something like, ah yes I see that. That was the last time I went to that doctor.
The following month we found out we were pregnant again. Apparently that happens often after that test is performed because it sort of "cleans everything out". Again we were excited and even more scared.
And again we miscarried at about 7 weeks.
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